Saturday, April 30, 2011

to this.

Do not miss this moment.  It is brief.  A twinkling, a breath.  You will watch it float away on a breeze and spend your tomorrows conjuring yesterday.  Often I find myself remembering hot summer afternoons, swinging on the porch, my head against my Papa's rough flannel, a cold glass of tea sweating in my hands, mint leaves and lemons swirling round, the horses playing chase, children's laughter, so present, so common, so missed.  The good old days, they'll say, as they spin tails of times that were better than today.  And so each memory becomes a rose more perfumed, richer, brighter than the one you hold in your hand.  If you forget that each day you are forming the basis for dreams, the beckoning back to times that were, you'll spend your tomorrows wishing you were anywhere but there.  The present is always passing, it is always something that was.

This last week was full.  It held friends, hikes, sand in the toes, huge plates of food, laughter, children playing, waves crashing against legs that danced in and out of their grasp.  Nights would end around a smoky campfire, flames desperately reaching for the stars, little ones would slowly drift one at a time to sleep as the low murmur of parents voices surrounded them in a cloud of security.  I could say that there are few things better than good food, good friends, and days to play, but I would be missing the moment.  We ended the last day, back home, fevers and coughs, playtime worn down to blankets and tea, movies and rest.  There are few things better than life.  The richness of it, the grasping for it and the enjoyment as it fills us and we recognize that this is the moment.  It is perfect in it's clarity, it's free form carelessly flung in precision.

Friday, April 22, 2011

when dreams come to stay.

I found you in a dream and followed you home until morning. I desperately tried to be in my next day, but thoughts of you kept returning and I wondered if someday you would come to stay. I attempted to focus and pretend you weren't real, and you weren't until one day you were. Some say you were sitting in Heaven, waiting until the time would be right to join in all the things that you saw. Others thought maybe you weren't until they held you and touched you and felt your skin on their face. I know you have been long before I was ready, I dreamt of you, knew you, heard your name on the breeze. Sometimes your kiss would tickle my face, when I looked I wouldn't find you, but I'd know you any place. You're more real to me than my day to day, you are in my dreams, each night I see your face. When I blow bubbles you pop them, when I dance you are in my arms, when I live you live with me, though someday you won't see me. You'll live and remember the dreams that we share and know that each night when you close your eyes I'll be there.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Some friends I have.

I am blessed.

This is our home. I love this house. We don't live there right now, but I love being able to look through pictures, remember our time there and pray that one day we'll be back. This is a magical house. If you ever get the chance to visit, you'll be invited to walk through time, journey through a home that is a container for life, a gateway to the presence of God and a perfect spot to embrace community. Someday.

I'm sharing this, because I want to tell you about some friends I have. The Millers. Daniel, Nichole and their three very precious little girls.

I have known Nichole for the last 18 years. She is a friend of my heart, my bosom buddy. She gets me like few do, has loved me even when she could have hated me. She is a very grounded, determined, talented, focused person and there are few who truly get to see her depths. I am continually amazed by all that she does. She recently redesigned my blog, which looks incredible and is inspiring me to be a better blogger. Thank you!!! I don't know how she manages to find the time to do graphics for blogs/websites, write her own blog, have her own etsy store, keep her house spotless, make yummy treats, raise precious girls and I could go on and on. She is a priceless person and doesn't get half the praise she deserves.

She is married to Daniel Miller whom I have known for 13 years. He is one of a kind and they have such a fun marriage. There are few people who are truly married to their very best friend and theirs is one of those. Daniel has been a brother and friend to me. He is such an encourager and has spoken into my life when I desperately needed it. He has a background in ministry and his heart for others is without fault. He has been our real estate agent in the sale of one home and the purchase of two. The most recent being the house above. He was able to facilitate the sale of our first home in one week. This was in a recession market, when everyone told us to plan on our home sitting on the mls for months/years. The house pictured was a miracle, Daniel poured so much into making it happen, as did Aaron Nelson. They were amazing and I am still in awe of how it all worked out and deeply blessed. Thank you Venture Properties. Keep up to date on the Redding market with Daniel's home tour goodness. Fun even if you aren't looking.

I am blessed.

Thursday, April 14, 2011


Before you have children it can be such fun to quietly mock the new parents you find yourself around. Degrade them for their fails and wonder how such a simple task as parenting ones children can completely elude so many dim witted people. ***ahem.***

I remember thinking as I watched my sister and friends have children that there were certain things they did that I would NEVER do. And, I was not always so silent with my philosophies on parenting and again, I am so sorry for all of the stupid things I said. It is their grace that kept me from black eyes, for I surely deserved them.

And like all humble pie, when we find ourself walking in their shoes, let's just say I've eaten more than my fair share.

I didn't think that I would sleep with my children. I do, I have. I loooove it!! We are transitioning Avalyn out of our bed this week and can I just say, heartbreak! It is going to be such a new thing to cuddle with my husband, who is not a cuddler, poor guy, he's probably going to try and convince me to put the baby back in bed just so that he can have some space. We did this with Judah at this age and it worked incredibly well, he loves his bed. We practice attachment parenting, with our own twists. I'm sure I'll chat more about that at a different date.

I didn't think I would nurse for soooo long. Avi is also weaning and she just turned 19 months, gasp. Though hey, she's not 5! It's a lot of transition for this little lady and she has been amazing about it.

I didn't think I would care about what my kids eat. I didn't want to be one of those moms. I am. I absolutely care. We've gone off and on the gluten free/sugar free/dairy free diet many times the last year. Not in such a way that it is disruptive to my children, they don't even know they're being restricted. Candy is very rare as are cookies or any processed food. It's just junk, literally putting death into your body and people think you're odd because you don't want your kids to eat it. Okay, I did too. I was raised super restricted in regards to food and I don't want to do that to my kids. That's why I don't restrict when we're out or around other people, but at home, on my watch, they're getting good stuff. I will hopefully get even better at this. I've had my own food issues that make it difficult, but I'm excited to overcome them on my own and with my family. I will definitely talk more about that later. (I wish I were a health nut, I fantasize about it, just a little. I'm not, don't want it to sound like I am. I still have a love affair with red vines and coke. but. . . someday. I will be a health nut.)

I didn't think I would have a hard time with discipline. I do. Oh the stories I could tell. I remember when Judah was ten months old, thinking I've really got this mom thing down. Stupid thing to think, don't think that, even if your kid is 25, just be teachable. Pride goes before a fall and all that. I'm constantly learning and hugely desperate to be successful in this area. Because I want to give my kids every tool possible to allow them to do well in this life. Training and discipline are so important. Everyone has an opinion on how you should be doing it. But, really in my experience it's try, try and try again. Be clear, be consistent, lots of love and lots of grace. Because consistency is hard.

I didn't think parenting could be as hard as people say it is. It's harder actually and better than I could have imagined. We're moving swiftly through the toddler phase. And my heart is breaking that I didn't realize how quickly it would go.

It's like all the things in life, everyone can warn you, and yet you still have to find out for yourself. I have always been a person who has to see for themselves, and I think in some things that's really good, I'm believing this is a gift that someday I'll be super thankful for. So far, I've just had to say 'yep you were right' to all the people who gave me warnings. I am so thankful I live under grace. That my mistakes and sins were washed at the foot of the cross. I am so glad that my God loves me just the way I am. That he is proud of me and he thinks I'm doing great.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

reflections of life.

Seasons in my life come in clear, swift movement. They announce themselves with a trumpet, but leave me wondering the goal, the purpose of the lessons that I should learn. Typical seasons for me come with a move, new job, baby, something radical that most do a few times in their life, I do a couple times a year. Every time I know there's something amazing to glean, a treasure hidden in the field. I know this move to Eureka is setting us up for the next catalyst, that we've been strategically placed here. I have to admit that the first six months have felt like death. I also should admit that I feel a little as though I've died enough. That I've given myself over completely and that there really doesn't seem to be a lot left. Apparently there is. Because I've felt the sting so fully, robbing me of breath and leaving me striving for joy. There have been glimpses of encouragement, a hand that pulls my head up before I completely succumb, I've just been waiting to reach dry land. Because I feel as though I've been going around this multiple times I haven't wanted to blog the same thing over and over again. It's been hunker down, make it through. Just as I feel that I may be reaching the point of survival, the conviction of the Lord kicks in and I realize I've been just barely living when I've been called to thrive. That I am the planting of the Lord and I am to bloom where I am planted. It doesn't matter that I'm lonely, that my pattern of life is left jumbled as a 1000 piece puzzle, that I have become the complete center of my children's world, that I've forgotten which way is up. I am to live excellently. I am to push beyond the status quo and be IN my day, not simply survive them.
I tend to be someone who sees the greener grass and is in constant motion. I'm here now and while the grass is green I realize it's not to my taste, I'm ready to go again, move to the next place. But it's as though God's thumb is pressing into me telling me to receive all that he's called me to hear. Be the best me I can be when it feels everything is stacked against me. Learn how to breathe underwater and if I can't figure that out, find a way to live without breath. This life is not about me no matter how badly I want it to be. It's time to live without excuses, to pursue and push my children and myself deeper. To not only be all that we can be, but be the best at it. To practice our vision and equip ourselves for destiny.
I've found myself on a training ground. Only time will tell if I allow myself to be taught.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Hello blue sky.

The SUN. How I have missed it, longed for it and welcome it with open arms. It doesn't matter that it's windy, there is something fabulously blissful about the streaming golden arc slicing through a brilliant blue sky. It fills me with joy, delight and endless imagining. Today I feel infused with energy and my mind is scheming all that I should accomplish and do. I'm thinking I need to plant something, get my hands in the rich earth and contribute to this life. That's where you'll find me. Just in case you were looking.