wildly random

I am gleefully perceiving that my hands have been much too tightly wrapped around my life. My heart and my thoughts have been too filled with me. My cares and worries, my dreams and imaginings have draped across me like a well liked fur. Beautiful death surrounding slim shoulders pretending it's stylish when it's really just a dead dog. So, let's shed some skin.

I am not as important as I think I am. I am more important than I realize.

I am beautiful. I am not the most beautiful woman in the world.

I'm the only person who cares how much I weigh. Unless I weigh 300lbs then the world will want to watch me lose it.

No one cares if I have gum on my shoe. I care. I care very much.

I am not a perfectionist. It would do me well to be at least a little perfect.

I should eat better. I should not worry so much about how I eat.

I am talented. It would serve me well to be talented at more than keeping my house clean.

My heart cannot contain more love. I should love others more. It would make room.

I have amazing friends. I am not the best listener. They truly are amazing.

I have never done well with restrictions. I am so thankful I live under grace.

And wistfully I sit, watching the clouds roll by, head on a rock, my breath lets out on a sigh. It could be enough to rest in this place, unmoved, letting life pass, while I live it out simply in my mind. But the laughter of children rings through the cool air and swings that are waiting to be pushed, little legs longing to kick sit limply in the air. Waiting til I push past my thoughts to be present in the moments of their lives. Rather the forefront of their minds, not a shadow passing slightly behind.

Single Focused.

Having a double mind. Being someone who is unstable, unable to make up their mind.

It is a terrible place to be desperately divided between two things. Especially when you know what is right, what you should be doing and longing for something that is not for you at this time. My job, my whole life at this moment is dedicated to my family. It is my purpose, exactly what I have committed to and what I should be doing. But, I daydream about going back to work, finishing school, beginning a career. I get giddy just thinking about putting on clothes that won't be stained with blueberries, shoes made just to be pretty, doing my hair without worry of little fingers pulling it apart and going to get a cup of coffee on my way to my job. Where I work very hard and focused, receiving the esteem and paycheck worthy of my efforts. I miss having thoughts that make sense and knowing more about our political state than I do about Elmo. It sneaks up on me every now and then. This desire to not be just, a mom.

It takes me a little while to reign myself in and to remember my dedication to the purpose of raising my children. To focus on their needs, their hearts, building an unshakeable foundation. Giving them every opportunity to choose right and live to realize their desires. My dreams have not gone away, they've just been placed on the back burner for a little while. While I wholeheartedly live out my obedience to my family and my God.

But I haven't been fully committed and in this place I spin wildly, losing all focus and determination, while everything blurs in the background. I daydream about where I could be, robbing my children of me here and now. It sneaks in every now and then, if money's tight, the little dreams we'd love to give our family, when I see worry in Eric's eyes. All I want to do in that moment is feel like I'm contributing that I'm pulling my weight. I start talking of what I could do around Eric's schedule and how I could still be a full time mom and work and then I'd be super woman. I think I even get a little proud just thinking of what a good job I would do. I am amazing in my mind.

Eric is always incredible at pulling me back, refocusing me. Reminding me the sacrifices we make our for our children, our family. While we may have been plunged head first into parenting, we want to do the best we can. When I stay focused on this being exactly what I am called to, everything seems to fall into place. I find joy in the little things because I am present to catch hold of it. Rather than filling my mind with dreams about me, I fill it with adventures and finding new ways to nurture and educate my children. When I am given over to my purpose at this moment I can excel. When I am double minded I flounder, leaving nothing but chaos in my wake.

So, I am refocusing myself right now. Reminding myself that there will be a day when I fully realize all of my dreams. It will be bitter sweet, my children walking beside me not needing to hold my hand.

There is a verse that says 'he who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is not fit for the kingdom of God.'

I must admit to times not only looking back, but running as fast as I can from the plow. I'm doing my best to hold my hand steady, if I must I'll tie myself to this plow til the field is ready to be planted.

TELEVISION

I went in to parenting feeling open on this subject. I had watched my sister with her children and chatted with other parents on the subject. How much, if any, tv is okay for kids? It seemed to me, in my untried state, that if one restricted the television then kids just wanted it more, more, more! I tend to think that making something 'off limits' just makes you desperate for it. Therefore I didn't make tv off limits, if Judah wanted to watch something he could. We've had a very loose system in place the last three years.

Eric grew up with tv (he had one in his bedroom *gasp*). We didn't have a tv until I was 11!! It was handed down from my great grandparents and only played movies. For movie nights prior to the tv, we'd trek over to my grandparents house and watch old black and whites with big bowls of popcorn while we brushed my mom and grandma's hair for a penny a minute. I was raised on a farm and Eric in the suburbs of Boston. Needless to say our childhoods were very different. While Eric can rattle off all pertinent current events from the eighties and nineties I could only recollect CARMEN, a little DC Talk, some country, any movie by Nelson Eddy and Janette McDonald, Doris Day. . . my past knowledge is so small I wouldn't even bore you in the retelling.

Back to today, since Judah's been interested in movies from about a year on we've been pretty lax about it. Internally I've been freaking out at the amount that he would watch, but it quickly became a cycle that felt impossible to break. I figured that if I could at least get him out for part of the day either to a friends house or the park then he wouldn't really watch too much. Really it just assuaged my guilt that he was watching a ridiculous amount. Fast forward to moving to Eureka. It rains a lot more, the parks are often wet, we're in an apartment, we don't have very many friends and the tv has become our very best friend. My house has been clean for the people we never see and my children have sat like drones on the couch watching countless hours of Toy Story, Winnie the Pooh, Elmo and etc. Every day felt like a waste. We weren't living and it's amazing how much sitting on the couch can suck out of you. I assumed they'd get up and play, that it would become background noise. Instead Judah would sit in the same spot on the couch, unless he was sitting at the cutout in the kitchen watching, while eating lunch. Avi could play and has always had a greater interest in toys than in watching movies. Judah has only loved movies and would choose it over playtime, food, toys or any distraction we could think up.

I melted down. After another day of not knowing what to do to interest or motivate Judah away from the tv I asked Eric to 'break' our television set. He turned off the power strip. No matter how many buttons you push it won't turn on. We try every day.

All of this to share how the last television free days have gone. Can I just say that life has been infused into our home?! Toys that have never been played with are seeing use, Judah recently was playing Dr with Avi, giving her shots and medicine, they've been playing hide and seek and chase. Prior to our shift if the tv wasn't on I was the only option. It was as though my kids couldn't imagine ways to play outside of me, this made the tv even more necessary as there are times when I need space. The first day without, it was as though Judah was lost, he clung to me the entire day. The next he began to learn to entertain himself. Last night I was open to doing a movie night, instead we popped a great big bowl of popcorn and played Toy Story operation, then read stories. The quality of our days has increased, our time together has become so much more rich and enjoyable. We ate breakfast under the table with blankets draped over to make a fort. Life is opening itself with possibilities and while I have nothing against television, for my home it is like a black hole sucking all imagination into itself.

I don't know how long it will be 'broken' , but I wouldn't mind if it remains for the rest of time an empty box that eventually we'll decorate with a nice doily and maybe a picture of the life we chose to live instead.

held in life

Breathtaking life you surround me. You minister and direct me, your praise explodes through my soul and I take flight as your hand lifts me up. Round and round we twirl and spin, your glory rains through my life and in the midst of darkness you shine brighter than my deepest fear. Heartbreak and death begin to consume and I cry aloud don't take your Spirit from me, Please don't leave me here to stand alone. I beat my chest and fall, the weight of your presence removed and I am shivering and cold. Agony that only losing you can bring, holds my face in the dirt and my tears mix with the dust to cover my nakedness in mud. Then like colors on a blank canvas your arm surrounds me and lifts me up, your eyes stare into mine, your voice like water rumbles through my being and you sing over me. In this moment, in my foolishness, my tantrum, I am restored, I am clothed with light and my heart of passion finds it's strength in your steadfast loving kindness. As you pour truth, that you will never leave, never forsake, that in the midst of doubt and despair you are there. That I am filled with you and despite all of my shortcomings, your love is stronger, it is pure. It restores. I am free. To be forever yours.

Seasons come and go. There are seasons of crazy, amazing, insane life where it feels like a constant state of blessing, then others that feel as though you are being squeezed and there is not any breath left and all you can do is close your eyes and get through. Then so many in between. Here I am, being pressed.

Unprepared for life.

The last few days have been rough! My oh my, I've been emotional, the kids have been off the charts, it's been like a sickness, but not physical. Just every little thing that could go wrong at any moment has, I've reacted poorly and Avi and Judah have gone between crying and screaming. There's a scene in Ya Ya Sisterhood where all of the kids are sick and everything is breaking down, Ashley Judd is the mom and there are bodily fluids everywhere and you can see, the desperation to get away. To remove yourself from the overwhelming, encompassing need that is suffocating you, because you are the ONLY solution. She leaves, goes to a hotel and checks in for a while. Obviously if you've seen the movie there was a lot more happening, but oh sometimes. . . that hotel sounds so good. This week I wanted to check into a hotel and breathe, and sleep alone, and eat my food at a leisurely pace, and drink my coffee while it's hot. And tend only to myself.

BUT! One of my favorite things of being a parent is that every moment is a chance for sacrifice. I am constantly given opportunities to deny myself, to choose the better and make the most out of any given day. Now, I'll be honest, I absolutely have not chosen that the last few days, we've made it through, but just barely. Yesterday we worshipped and danced through the house, because sometimes a big aspect is just clearing the air. Judah said we were doing our snow dance. It snowed late that night and as the lights glowed in the falling snow flakes and we opened our mouths to catch the drops, Judah said "Mommy, God heard our snow dance." Even in the midst of my doing all the wrong things, there's a relationship happening outside of me. Love that.

Today I intend to slow down, not that there's been a ton going on, but I've had an agenda, a list of things we can and can't do. Sometimes it needs to be okay for the house to be messy (one of the hardest things for me) or to let the kids watch a movie or to not shower or to go sit outside in the snow and have a cup of cocoa. Realizing in the midst of chaos that life is not something I ever want to escape from.

At the end of our movie last night they were playing Somewhere Over the Rainbow, Judah had fallen asleep cuddled against me and Avi had woken, she was standing on the coffee table holding her daddy's hands and dancing. Twirling and stomping, she was completely free to soar in the safety of her father's grasp. And so can I.

an ode.

Have you dreamt in all of the colors of life? Fully exploding on the scene and holding nothing back, the applause resounding in your ears as you cresendo? So often life is quiet, gentle, like a peaceful winding stream and the mountain top experiences seem few and far between. I've never been a person happy in the back ground. I like to be right in the middle of the party, the planning, the intense joy of life coursing through me. It's easy to see how parenting came like a jolt to my senses. Going full speed I fell fast and hard down the waterfall of motherhood into the gentle stream of growing life, nurturing imagination, falling into the background of the new blooms in front of me. I can't say this was an easy transition, it wasn't. I often envy those to whom it seems to come so naturally. While I'm standing in the boat rocking as hard as I can because wouldn't it be such fun if we all fell splashing into the water. I have learned to love watching my children as they step out onto their stage, while they pick their parts, make their friends, live their life. I love cheering and directing. Who knew I'd have such fun back here with the rest of the stage hands. Sipping coffee while the shrieks of applause ring over the dancing imaginations of the new generation. Rising, gliding to their place, I turn to smile at the audience of life.

I have danced with you and loved you. Gently, fiercely. I pour the abundance of my dreams like oil over your head. I bless your imagination, your creativity as I cradle you against my chest. Hand in hand we walk through life, laughing at the clouds, picking daisy's, kicking balls, daydreaming as we lie in the tall blades of grass. Fleeting it floats out of hand and just as I wish I could grasp it back I watch it land in yours. Tenderly you cup the gentle life as it pushes too and fro and you wonder how you'll ever find the strength to let it go. Then all at once you purse your lips and blow and watch the seeds catch the wind and soar out of view. And away we go.

Photo by Heather Armstrong

Valentine

Growing up on a working ranch, my grandmother used to tell me that it was important for any woman to be able to go from mucking stalls to pearls and high heels. Owning whatever role you find yourself in without hesitancy is an incredible gift. I'm still learning, though it was modeled beautifully in all of the women who've gone before me. I am thankful for the footsteps they left behind.

My purpose for this blog is to simply share moments from my life and day that will hopefully inspire and encourage. It can be a difficult season this thing called motherhood, when you have little ones draped over you like a fine fur, hands poking holes in your cake, little feet treading mud over your freshly vacuumed rug. . . I'm learning how the moments are the joys of my life, they are my purpose for being.

For years I've lived either in the future or the past. I'd daydream about tomorrow, fantasizing that it were already here, or I'd regret all the things in the past that I didn't appreciate at the time, wishing I were back in the good ol' days. Just recently this realization hit me like a baby grand from a six floor window. I'm so busy living before or after, but never in my day. This blog is to the here and now. It is absolutely incredible. I've been shifting my thinking more and more which has enabled me to enjoy the moments like this -

Valentines Day we were at a restaurant, well before the rush, and my daughter decided that she was done. Standing on my lap while I shoveled my food into my mouth (because I do, I shovel, or I don't eat) she spotted a cat outside the door and began to shriek "KIKI KIKI!!" and point. Judah, realizing there was a cat outside, needed to see it as well. Off we went, leaving Eric to leisurely finish his meal and headed out to pet the cats. As we opened the door it started to rain. I was cold and realized all I wanted was to be back eating dinner with just Eric, but! this was a moment and I decided to take it. We marched out to find those cats. Spurning the sweet one by the door for the cat that wanted nothing to do with us. We hunted under the picnic tables, through the ivy and high on the fence while the rain tap danced on the tin coverings over the patio.We frolicked slowly down the gravel path, jumped in mud puddles, kissed the kitty by the door and made it back just as Eric signed the bill. I was given the perfect Valentines gift.

My moment.