Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Single Focused.

Having a double mind. Being someone who is unstable, unable to make up their mind.

It is a terrible place to be desperately divided between two things. Especially when you know what is right, what you should be doing and longing for something that is not for you at this time. My job, my whole life at this moment is dedicated to my family. It is my purpose, exactly what I have committed to and what I should be doing. But, I daydream about going back to work, finishing school, beginning a career. I get giddy just thinking about putting on clothes that won't be stained with blueberries, shoes made just to be pretty, doing my hair without worry of little fingers pulling it apart and going to get a cup of coffee on my way to my job. Where I work very hard and focused, receiving the esteem and paycheck worthy of my efforts. I miss having thoughts that make sense and knowing more about our political state than I do about Elmo. It sneaks up on me every now and then. This desire to not be just, a mom.

It takes me a little while to reign myself in and to remember my dedication to the purpose of raising my children. To focus on their needs, their hearts, building an unshakeable foundation. Giving them every opportunity to choose right and live to realize their desires. My dreams have not gone away, they've just been placed on the back burner for a little while. While I wholeheartedly live out my obedience to my family and my God.

But I haven't been fully committed and in this place I spin wildly, losing all focus and determination, while everything blurs in the background. I daydream about where I could be, robbing my children of me here and now. It sneaks in every now and then, if money's tight, the little dreams we'd love to give our family, when I see worry in Eric's eyes. All I want to do in that moment is feel like I'm contributing that I'm pulling my weight. I start talking of what I could do around Eric's schedule and how I could still be a full time mom and work and then I'd be super woman. I think I even get a little proud just thinking of what a good job I would do. I am amazing in my mind.

Eric is always incredible at pulling me back, refocusing me. Reminding me the sacrifices we make our for our children, our family. While we may have been plunged head first into parenting, we want to do the best we can. When I stay focused on this being exactly what I am called to, everything seems to fall into place. I find joy in the little things because I am present to catch hold of it. Rather than filling my mind with dreams about me, I fill it with adventures and finding new ways to nurture and educate my children. When I am given over to my purpose at this moment I can excel. When I am double minded I flounder, leaving nothing but chaos in my wake.

So, I am refocusing myself right now. Reminding myself that there will be a day when I fully realize all of my dreams. It will be bitter sweet, my children walking beside me not needing to hold my hand.

There is a verse that says 'he who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is not fit for the kingdom of God.'
I must admit to times not only looking back, but running as fast as I can from the plow. I'm doing my best to hold my hand steady, if I must I'll tie myself to this plow til the field is ready to be planted.

1 comment:

charis said...

i love this, so much of it has been on my heart as well. thanks for sharing.