Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Thankfully Thankful

I have to admit that I don't consider myself a complainer.  I tend to assume that I'm pretty easy going and that I don't need things to cater to me.  There may be a loud outpouring of nays at these statements, but again, my perception.  Last night as I was lying in bed at 9pm, because everyone else in my house was asleep and I thought that I should be as well (I wasn't, I was WIDE awake). . .  I thought of my life.

I thought of how much better things would be if we were back in Redding.  I was picturing lake days and barbecues. Parks in the evening.  Going over to any number of friends houses (because I would be welcomed at any time).  Coffee with my mom, yard saleing with my sister.  Walks on the rivertrail.  Being in a town I have called home most of my life.  A town that thinks it knows me better than I know myself.  A place that has seen all of my failures and doesn't really expect anything extraordinary from me.  Pros and cons in that last part.  Mostly it is where I feel that my family can completely be, happy and welcomed.  Though desperately hot.

I thought of my house in Redding.  Sitting in the backyard, pushing my kids on the swing.  Playing chase through the sprinklers.  Cooking in my kitchen on my very old stove.  Washing dishes with the door open and the warm wind rustling through the ivy.  Sitting on the patio late at night with the white lights twinkling and the rich scent of gardenias and hydrangeas perfuming the air.  I was imagining how wonderful it would be to go outside and be warm.  Ahh, there's a dream.

I thought of Lynnfield.  Eric's amazing family and friends that live there.  Sitting with amazing people and just for a moment listening to the constant hum of conversation.  The football games.  Playing ring toss in the backyard.  Watching my kids be loved to perfection.  Drinking wine with women who will have you in stitches as they recount their exploits.  Listening to my husband with his brothers and wishing I could give that to him every day of our lives.  Smelling the trees and freshly mowed grass.  Actually swimming in the ocean.  Judah going fishing with his Poppi.  The rich scent of the rain perfuming through a warm summers day.

And I realized I am not thankful at all.

I have been sad.  I have been lonely, discouraged, just teetering on the very edge of depression.  My heart is divided between two towns and I am always wishing I were in one, never happy where I am.  I am sure if we chose between them, I would constantly yearn for the other.  Sometimes it really doesn't seem like there's one good choice.  Though in my mind either of them would be better than where I am.  I complain.  I grumble.  I wish and dream and hope that this season will swiftly come to an end.

                        I want to quickly interject that we have met AMAZING people in Eureka.  I am
                        so thankful for the friends we have made.  But it hasn't been home.  And my heart
                        is longing for its home.

Perhaps more.  I wish I knew exactly where Home is.

So, last night.  While I lay in bed listening to the breathing of my husband, felt his warm skin against me.  I decided I needed to stop wishing.  Stop dreaming.  Stop living in my head and look with wide eyes at where I am.  I started saying, Thank You.

Thank you God that we are in Eureka.  Thank you that Eric has an amazing job.  Thank you for our apartment.  Thank you that I am in bed with warm covers.  Thank you that I have food and clean clothes.  Thank you for your amazing blessings.  Thank you that my family is healthy and safe.  Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

There's a difference between living in the present and being thankful for the present.  My goal is to do both.  To embrace every good and amazing experience we have here, as well as the difficult and stretching.  To no longer succumb to wishful thinking.

I don't know what tomorrow holds.  This could be it.  But, I'd rather not wander through the dessert for 40 years, cursing the food that falls from the sky.  I guess, even if I do.  I'm going to be thankful.  I don't know where our home really is.  I'm just choosing to be thankful for where it is today.  More than anything it's a heart place.  And because I love him and committed to him until death do us part.  Where Eric lays his head is my home, too.


Nichole said...

Soooo good & so true! Being thankful for where you are at is such an important part of every season and journey. Not to mention it makes life so much easier when you draw your attention to what is good. I think that often if I can't remain thankful and find happiness in hard times, then it's likely I won't be thankful and happy in good times.

Love you! Praying for you!

ps.... the word verification for my comment is 'rocklicr'... gosh I was pregnant, stop calling me names ;).

Misty said...

Thank you so much for writing this. I find myself a lot of the time wondering why Im still here. When we could be in seattle with steves family and the kids could grow up with their relatives, people who want to be apart of their lives. I would give up a lot for that alone. For them to feel loved and complete by family.

This really triggered something in me and Im thankful your wrote this. We should be thankful for where we are and what we have in the moment.

Thanks Again!

Dani said...

This brings up to me so many comments and ideas...
Eureka has always been home mainly because it is rooted in our families... There have been many times where we have thought of moving, for adventure, but once we had kids, the idea of being apart from our families was hard to fathom...
There is not perfection at any point in our life... Usually if we have one thing, we might be missing another. There is always something that we can complain about and no matter what changes, we can always be negative. We have tried to help you and Eric feel like this is home to you, but I couldn't imagine to have to make this transition.
I love you friend, and I'm always praying for you!

Rachael said...

Thanks for being so honest. I love this and can relate--110%--except that our "home" is either Redding or Castle Rock, CO. My heart is constantly torn between the 2. It's such a hard place to be in. I have NEVER looked at it from a thankful perspective though. From this point forward, it's my mantra. I'm thankful to be here. It doesn't always seem like it's easy (it's NOT! lol), but I have much to be thankful for.

Lacy Fontaine Remebering What Makes Life Wonderful said...

Oh my ... I feel the yearning for two locations. After my visit back east I just couldn't belive how much I had missed it and my friends who are my family there. No words of advice here seams we are in simular situations on that account. I've chosen both and longed for the other. Sooo I think your on the right track of being thankful and loving where you are when you are there. Amazing blog you are so talented!! Miss you Friend.

charis said...

this is good and so hard to do. it makes me think of that adam sandler movie where he could fast forward the moments he didn't like and he ended up missing most of his life because he had just wished it away. i think about that movie time to time and realize that i really do want to be present for my life and not just look to "someday" or "what if." it is hard though.
my recent post: want to know what i have been reading?

Kara said...

amen amen amen!!!!!!!