YOU can STOP a BINGE.

Stop that BINGE!

You will hear from countless sources that you can stop a binge by changing your thoughts, identifying your emotions, busying yourself, but for those of us in the cycle, we know that stopping a binge is much more difficult.  First, I will tell you that you can stop a binge, even if you're in the middle of it, even if you're at the beginning of it. You can stop it.  You can, because you are powerful.  You are not subject to food.  You are a beautiful, vital person with value and worth.  Because of such, you need to know that you are worth enjoying what you eat.  You are worth the weight on your tongue, the taste in your mouth.  Chocolate is not a demon.  It is not an evil monster that will destroy you.  It can be enjoyed, pleasured, felt.  When you eat the bag, there is not any savoring or enjoyment.  The hard chocolate that you chewed through, tasted like plastic, it didn't melt or drip down your throat.  You are worth that feeling.

If you want to know the secret to stopping a binge, it is that you need to understand how you will approach your next binge.  It's understanding how food affects you and creating weapons or tools for how you will demolish the need to eat until you can't feel.

You stop a binge, before it even starts.

Drink water.  Drink and drink and drink and drink and drink your water.  I cannot stress this enough.  If you tend to overeat, if you don't know when you're full, if you tend to binge, you need more water.  It will help you feel full and satisfied, long before you would normally stop eating.

Eat fresh fruits and vegetables.  When you approach any meal or snack, make sure you have something fresh on your plate.  Put some of your favorite things next to some carrot sticks.  Eat some veggies, eat your treat, then eat the rest of the vegetables.  It helps you to get the taste out of your mouth and the fiber fills your stomach.

Go in to each day knowing your worth.  Just because you struggle with food issues doesn't mean you deserve to struggle with food.  You have value.  You are important.  You deserve to enjoy every meal, every bite, every day.  You are worth a life without fear of the next binge.  Don't worry about if you binge.  You aren't worthless, stupid, ugly, fat, or a monster.  Those are lies.  You can live without bingeing, but as much as you have to let go of fear, you have to let go of the negative self talk.  If you binged and you want to tell yourself how you'll do better next time, how you won't let this happen again, how if you were stronger, better, etc you would never have let it go so far.  Just stop.  If you are caught in the cycle of binge eating, realize that you have to do something different.  Instead of telling yourself you won't do it again, acknowledge that it will probably happen again.  Every time you lose it and turn to food, remember you are that much closer to freedom.  Instead of thinking of how fat and ugly you feel - look in the mirror and tell yourself you are beautiful, you are strong, and you are free.  Let that flood through you, while your stomach feels as fat as a tick and you think you are going to explode.  You are valuable.  You are important.  You are getting through this.  You will not get stuck here.  You will make it.  But, in the middle of it, you are okay.  You are not defined by overeating.  It does not rule you.

Get rid of all the junk food in the house.  Everything that gets you started on a binge.  Just empty it out. Even if you have kids or a husband that loves those foods.  They probably shouldn't be eating them anyway.  Load up on the fresh stuff.  Make healthy eating a part of your family and your life.  Everyone wants to be healthier, make it your goal and mission to impart healthy habits to your family.

Exercise!!!  Go on walks.  Go on runs.  Work out at a gym.  Practice yoga in your living room.  Feel your body get stronger.  Breathe deep.  You are releasing healthy endorphins that will help you,  the next time rummaging through the cabinets feels inevitable. 

Journal, write out how you feel.  Make it a habit to start your day listing the things that you are grateful for.  Talk about what's bothering you.  Find a constructive way to process through your thoughts.

I tend to overeat when I am bored and overwhelmed.  When there is so much I need to do, that I can't see a clear way of how to tackle it.  Lists tend to exacerbate that feeling.  I make a goal each day of what I want to accomplish.  Instead of cleaning the whole house from top to bottom.  I shoot for just cleaning out one closet, wiping down the walls in the hall, I go small and then feel the pride and accomplishment of finishing a minor chore.

Some do best when they don't weigh themselves.  If this is how you feel or if you are aware that you have an unhealthy obsession with the number on the scale, it is probably best to get rid of it.  Just smash it to bits.  If weighing yourself sets your emotions for the day, realize you are not valued by a number or your weight.  Who you are, is more valuable and more beautiful than a number could ever tell you.

Vitamin D.  I need massive doses of vitamin D, every day.  I take 5000mg a day and when we lived in a more overcast area, I needed 10,000mg.  Monitor your body and always talk to your doctor before taking any supplements.  I just know that I need more vitamin D than most and it dramatically effects the way I think and feel.

You can stop a binge.  You can and will make it through this season of your life, BUT more than that you can enjoy this time in your life.  You don't have to be afraid of a binge.  You don't have to live in fear.  It's okay if you binge.  It's okay if you struggle.  You are not defined by binge eating.  Take yourself out of the equation.  Learn to love you.  It is the best and most important thing I can tell you.  Love yourself and talk nice.

Living with sugar. or without.

We all know that I love sugar.  I do, I do, I do.  

I wish my husband shared my addiction.  

I wish I could eat one cupcake.  (not all the cupcakes)

I wish vanilla cream and chocolate did not have a voice.

I wish that snickers were health food.

I wish that donuts grew on trees.  I would be sure to eat only the organic ones. 

I wish that sugar didn't override my 'off' switch.

I wish that sugar could be banned, not sold at stores, not sitting in my pantry, not wafting through the air at the fair.

If only my wishes could be reality.

Unfortunately, I am one of millions of people who live fully addicted to sugar and sweets.

About a year ago I wrote a post, confessions of a sugar addict.  I have to admit I've been shocked at the amount of views that one post gets.  Since so many of us seem to struggle with this, I thought I'd share more about what I am doing to free myself of this addiction.

Last year, I tried ridding my diet of all sugars/sweets.  I managed to do so for about 2-3 weeks, but then fell into a bowl of ice cream and just had to take a bite.

After being off of sugar, reintroducing it to my diet, at first, is met with complete rejection.  I usually can't eat much and it makes me feel pretty sick.  Then, slowly it begins to build -  the need for more.  Until I'm once more groaning on the floor, pulling one more powdered sugar coated eclair into my mouth, barely finding the strength to chew.  Not even tasting it's delicious sweetness.

Have you seen Something About Mary?  No?  Well, I won't recommend it, but there's a sub story about a guy who was off of coke and his friend gets him to take a drink of a beer, telling him of course this won't restart your addiction.  Which it does, because we are all just a moment away from being coke heads - duh!  (Don't do drugs - you will be addicted to heroin if you smoke pot!  yes, I believe this.  It's kept me drug free.)  

Anyway, back to the coke guy - who is also one of my favorite actors - he eventually gets eaten by his python.  

And that, folks, is what sugar will do to you.  It's just one bite between you and python crushing death.

I'd rather live! and be beautiful while doing it.  There is nothing more toxic for my complexion than sweets.  Even knowing this and just imagining what it must be doing on a cellular level, it's been incredibly difficult to keep away from them.

As of today I have been off of refined sugar for 5 days.  Yay for me!!  However, unlike last year I am not doing a complete ban of all sweets.  I will happily indulge in any treat made with honey, grade B maple syrup, molasses, sucanot, rhapadura, or agave.   (I am careful with agave and maple syrup, because both of these tend to cause me to overeat - just not quite to the caramel dripping off my chin - eyes glazed over - state.)

I think we need treats.  They're like medicine to a long day or a special splurge for a job well done.  However, choosing to eat only the best sweets helps hold them in higher regard and keeps us from those very embarrassing moments, such as when you're husband comes downstairs at 2am only to find you in the middle of the kitchen, pie tin in hand with the whole carton of ice cream in the middle.  Oh, that hasn't happened to you?  

Here's to my quest for a healthy body, beautiful skin, organic energy, and invitations to more events - now that everyone knows I won't be writhing ecstatically in the middle of the dessert table.  It's always a little awkward when that happens.

And. . . yesterday at our small group get together - I didn't eat a brownie or lick the pan or sneak one when no one was looking or come home and have a giant bowl of ice cream or take a bite of the whipped cream and chocolate on my husband's frappaccino.  Can you believe my level of self control?!  I am amazing.   If only I knew I were invincible.  But I know I'm really just a sip away from that python's stomach. 

Failure.

Failure seems to be the theme of my week.  Like a red thread through everything I've done, marring and declaring itself in all of my attempts.  We had some wonderful friends over this week and I prepared a labor of love, my mother in laws Italian gravy.  A couple hours later it was complete.  Left to sit and muddle the flavors into the rich sweet scent of tomatoes and garlic.  It was to be enjoyed the next day, but was simmering happily on the stove at a very low temperature.  However, it was not safe from the tiny little fingers of my angel girl who as of yet cannot see eye level with the counter, but oh how she can turn those knobs.  And she did.  The heat cranked up it wasn't long before the putrid smell of burned metal and sauce caused me to race to the stove, lift the lid and be hit in the face with an acidic billow of smoke.  Try as I might it was ruined.  7am the next day I started a new pot of gravy, ending at 130 in the afternoon.

My new gravy now simmering, my house clean, company coming, we went to the park.  It was the only safe place.  We returned with 45 minutes to clean up and get dinner on the table, plenty of time.
  unless. .  .
while upstairs, my little ones moved a chair over to the stove and tried stirring and eating the thick red sauce, which resulted in splatters and goo in a three foot radius.  I pulled them upstairs, cleaned them up, deposited them in their room and finished getting ready.  2 minutes later Avalyn came screaming into my room with soap from head to toe and of course in her eyes.  As I threw her into the tub and was trying to clean her up, Judah came in, laughing.  I lost it.  I started to yell.  Then I went into their room found puddles of soap on the carpet, in their toys, EVERYWHERE!  and I screamed.  I was psycho mommy and I broke my heart.  No I didn't hit or 'hurt' my children, but I demolished my sons heart.  I demolished myself.

I am not a person who gets upset over messes.  They are the hallmark of my life.  Never something to lose yourself over.  But I did.  I let go of myself and yelled at my most precious boy.  The child that I would give my life for.  The son of my heart, my delight and my joy.  In that moment how I appeared was more important than my kids, and for me, that is never okay.   I had forgotten that having friends over to a perfectly clean house with dinner on the table is NOT who I am right now.  I am spaghetti splatters and mess, lots of life and laughter.  I forgot and yep, I failed.

Eric and I prayed over Judah, I apologized, lots of cuddles and lots of tears on my end.  He is okay, still the amazing precious boy as always.  I am doing my best and sometimes my best sucks.

Two nights later, just to make this a full and complete week of failure, I succumbed to my sugar addiction.  Found myself under the table, box of donuts on my stomach, candy wrapper in one hand, whipped cream in the other, or something like that.  Okay, it was the vanilla ice cream that has been in the freezer since I started my sugar fast.  It's been whispering to me.  So I finally gave in, big fat bowl with broken up snickerdoodles, that my kids and I had made that afternoon, covered in hot fudge.  Mmmm.  It was good.  Though on the second bowl I decided maybe not that good and I tossed it.  Yep, I failed.  I was shooting for 40 days and I made it 16.

I should point out that I made it over two weeks, even while at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk and if there's one food weakness I have, it's carnival food.  Must be all the sugar.  I made it through 2 days of smelling funnel cake and corn dogs, ice cream sundaes in waffle cones and huge cokes.  But, I'm not stronger than my husband out of town and ice cream in the freezer.  So, yes.  This week I have failed.

What is failure?  def.  A lack of success.  Isn't it interesting the guilt that tries to sneak in when you don't make a goal?  The sinking feeling that maybe you just aren't good enough.  Maybe you'll never be good enough.  You quit, does that make you a quitter?  You flipped on your kid, does that make you a bad parent?  Sneaky little lies that if you aren't careful could completely trip you up and have you give into where you failed.  I could go nuts and binge on sugar and just blame it on how I couldn't make it 40 days.  I could decide I'm a terrible mom and not try to be better.  I could take my low moments and camp there.  Or I could be really proud of my successes and realize the areas that I need to improve.  I didn't eat sugar for 16 days!  I didn't succumb to carnival food!  That's pretty awesome!  I am a GOOD mom.  I adore my kids and I focus on them and put them first every day.  There is GRACE.

Lessons learned.  In the movie Meet the Robinsons their motto is just keep moving forward.  Failure is fabulous at letting you know what doesn't work.  It shines a glaring light on areas that need improvement.
My highlighted areas this week were:
-I need to be careful in moments of stress and remember that no matter what happens I value the condition of my children's hearts over myself.
-I can't have sugar in my house.  It talks to me.

What I am walking away with here and what is moving me forward:  The unconditional grace that God has for me.  The depth of his love and passion.  His covering, when I fail.  I am moving toward perfection, I'm not there yet.  Every day I'm taking a step closer.  

confessions of a sugar addict.

Few of you may know this, but I love sugar.  Not just sweets or bread or soda, but pretty much if there is sugar in it, I will gleefully imbibe and more than likely not be the best sharer.  I have managed to shelter my children from this addiction as much as possible.  They are rarely privilege to my late night ice cream binges or the skittles and m&m's snuck quietly while they aren't looking.  Occasionally they'll find my stash and I'll share one or two, but remind them that we don't want to eat sweets because it isn't good for our bodies.

Poor Judah is convinced that if he eats too much ice cream he'll be sick.  I haven't meant to make it that taboo.  But, balance in everything is important.  This is one area in my life that I'm striving to learn self control.  Often I'll fast sweets only to binge like the mayor in Chocolat when I let them back into my diet.  And that isn't pretty for anyone.

However, even attempting to allow myself a few treats now and then, lulls me into a false feeling of calm only to realize I've completely stopped eating food, but have managed to exist on coffee, donuts and ice cream for weeks at a time.  This is embarrassingly true.  There was actually a time when I literally did not eat anything but ice cream for a month.  mmmm.  It was a yummy month.  No I did not feel terrible or gain weight.  If I had, I would have stopped.

Perhaps my lack of noticeable side effects is what allows me to so freely indulge.

Therefore, I am making changes not based on my weight or mood swings, but my desire to model a healthy lifestyle for my kids.  Children demand everything of their parents, they expect them to be perfect and it is a hard reality to face when they realize that they are fallible.  I am fully aware of my shortcomings, but I do not want it to be one that cuts off my life prematurely.  Regardless of what I see, sugar is death to the body and I have been slowly killing mine for far too long.

Sob.

A few interesting things about sugar.  It feeds cancer growth, leaches minerals, has a similar chemical make-up to heroin (though it is not considered addictive), promotes heart disease and diabetes, depresses  immunity, feeds candida growth, raises insulin levels. . . and the list goes on.

Sniffle.

I want to be very clear, that I am not planning to cut sugar out of my diet forever!  That would be silly.  I'd feel guilty if I slipped and had a bite of cake and I do not like guilt.  Rather I am taking a break, my goal is 40 days, but I won't hate myself if I don't make it.  I have quit all sweets, including all of the 'good' sugars.  Just in case you were curious, I am not supplementing with artificial sweeteners.  I hope that's not even a question, because I won't even begin to talk about how terrible those are for you.   I'm avoiding snack foods and breads, but I am not being overly cautious, just attempting to keep all sugars out of my diet.  I am eating fruit and I've made a couple of raw treats for myself.  I am mostly trying to teach myself how to eat whole, real food.

Sigh.

I am glad it is day six and I can tell you that I haven't broken down in a fit of tears, run wildly to the candy store, or harmed anyone as I've come off of my addiction.  And I am was addicted.  I have been tired, lethargic and a little out of sorts, kind of like being sick.  I have been famished and eaten more than I have ever seen myself eat, except maybe when pregnant.  Though, cutting out the five cokes and chocolate cake I would typically consume at a meal, may be lowering my calorie intake.

My goal at the end of forty days will be to slowly reintroduce healthy forms of sugar, but I'll do my best to avoid the scary white stuff as much as possible.  Because I know that just a little will have me lying under the table with an empty box of donuts on my stomach a can of whipped cream in one hand, a candy wrapper in the other.  So, I'll make my changes slowly, envying the multitude of people with massive amounts of self control.