Unprepared for life.

The last few days have been rough! My oh my, I've been emotional, the kids have been off the charts, it's been like a sickness, but not physical. Just every little thing that could go wrong at any moment has, I've reacted poorly and Avi and Judah have gone between crying and screaming. There's a scene in Ya Ya Sisterhood where all of the kids are sick and everything is breaking down, Ashley Judd is the mom and there are bodily fluids everywhere and you can see, the desperation to get away. To remove yourself from the overwhelming, encompassing need that is suffocating you, because you are the ONLY solution. She leaves, goes to a hotel and checks in for a while. Obviously if you've seen the movie there was a lot more happening, but oh sometimes. . . that hotel sounds so good. This week I wanted to check into a hotel and breathe, and sleep alone, and eat my food at a leisurely pace, and drink my coffee while it's hot. And tend only to myself.

BUT! One of my favorite things of being a parent is that every moment is a chance for sacrifice. I am constantly given opportunities to deny myself, to choose the better and make the most out of any given day. Now, I'll be honest, I absolutely have not chosen that the last few days, we've made it through, but just barely. Yesterday we worshipped and danced through the house, because sometimes a big aspect is just clearing the air. Judah said we were doing our snow dance. It snowed late that night and as the lights glowed in the falling snow flakes and we opened our mouths to catch the drops, Judah said "Mommy, God heard our snow dance." Even in the midst of my doing all the wrong things, there's a relationship happening outside of me. Love that.

Today I intend to slow down, not that there's been a ton going on, but I've had an agenda, a list of things we can and can't do. Sometimes it needs to be okay for the house to be messy (one of the hardest things for me) or to let the kids watch a movie or to not shower or to go sit outside in the snow and have a cup of cocoa. Realizing in the midst of chaos that life is not something I ever want to escape from.

At the end of our movie last night they were playing Somewhere Over the Rainbow, Judah had fallen asleep cuddled against me and Avi had woken, she was standing on the coffee table holding her daddy's hands and dancing. Twirling and stomping, she was completely free to soar in the safety of her father's grasp. And so can I.