Friday, May 6, 2011

excusing my excuses.

I am thankful for grace, for surely without it I would not be where I am today.

I did not realize until recently that the things in or not in my life were my fault.  That I truly could be all that I wanted and dreamt of being, but that I would have to step out and become that person.  I am amazed at the amount of years that I have wasted.  Yes.  Wasted.  Because God is awesome and has used me even when I didn't realize, there is redemption in those years, but. . .   I've been feeling the weight of where I could be if I hadn't settled for where I was, allowed myself to be bogged down in my circumstances.  There are so many things that I have not accomplished and I have the list of excuses to prove it.  I don't consider myself a perfectionist, but I have this crippling fear of failure.  I also have an overactive imagination.  Not necessarily a good combination.

I will spare you all of the things that I could have done, but didn't.  They are easily seen on my resume.  I have often become sidetracked in quick remedies that don't have lasting weight.  I am learning to be faithful, to be diligent.  

I have a confession.  I have complained, since having kids, of all of the things that I wanted to do, but couldn't because they took up all of my time.  Do you ever want to slap yourself?  Where are all of the people who should have slapped me?  Then we could have had a very straight talk, where I would have stormed out, come back, cried, and God help me, hopefully have seen the light.

Some things I guess you just have to learn for yourself.  

I am therefore learning, that there are not any excuses for my not being where I'd like, just a list of poorly thought out choices.  That seem very big and important.

In order to come near my dreams, I have to practice every day.  

Only I can steal my dreams and I have been very successful of robbing myself.

Children are all encompassing and keeping a clean house is work, but if I am focused I can find the time to learn, to practice and to better, even me.

For too long I thought that when the kids went to school I would start on my dream list. Then I realized I would probably be working while they were in school and it would again be pushed to fantasy.  So, I'm taking the time that I can find to push into my dreams, to write, to accomplish little tasks every day.  I'm choosing to better myself.  I'm sorry for all of the excuses that I have made.  They seemed very real at the time.  For better or worse, fail or succeed, I've struck out, hopefully something will last.  

Failure seems to have marked my past.  I think I have almost a phobia of it.  The moment I start to think that I won't be good at something I just quit.  This is my 25th blog.  I don't know if it's really that great, but I'm excited to keep it going.  Because I'm pushing through my fears that while no one may like what I do.  If I don't continue to practice I will never get better, I will never know success.  I hate quitting, it is a nauseous thought, I'm excited to quit it.  Here is to a life filled with accomplishment.  Regardless of renown or size, if I am never recognized or heralded, the mark of faithfulness will be there for my children, a footstool for their legacy.


charis said...

hugs. love you. this is good.

Bethany said...

Your Amazing! Love reading your blog and your thoughts! I feel much of the same way, but for me its the getting motivated part and not having the drive to do anything else. I need motivation in my life!!!!!!!!

Lacy Fontaine Remebering What Makes Life Wonderful said...

I love you! You are so full of strength and passion, and I just love it.