The Arrival of School.

My baby boy is in kindergarten.

When you have a child, there are a million plans, a million dreams.  You are constantly saying things like,
"oh, well when they walk, then I can. . . "
"when they're weaned, then. . ."
"when they're potty trained, then. . ."
"when they can pick up, then. . ."
"when they can feed themselves, then. . ."

When you become a parent you lose all of the freedoms that you took for granted.  You learn what it's like to drink your coffee cold, how much less enjoyable it is to eat dinner while nursing.  You linger less and hurry more.  You are slapped in the face by all the can'ts that have suddenly taken over your life.  You begin to fantasize about all of the old freedoms you'll get back as your children grow.  It's almost like a giddy, guilty pleasure.
Oh, well I will drink a glass of wine when we go out, and linger over every bite of a two hour dinner, without having to get up fifty times.
Maybe you'll wear heels again.
Maybe you'll go back to work.
Maybe you'll read a book all the way through, rather than in bits and pieces throughout the year.

But, it all hinges on one thing.  Your baby getting older.  That wonderful, strange, pink thing you birthed that looked at you with barely focused eyes and woke you in the night and needed you, with every single ounce of their being.  That baby will grow.  They will need you less, they will focus on you less.  You will find yourself demanding their attention.  They will push from your kisses rather than lean in.  Your baby will find their own identity and they will demand that you see them as a separate being.

And it aches.


For a while, in that midnight haze of nursing, and changing, and feeding, they were a part of you.  Then they grew and while they still need you, they very, very slowly develop into their own little person.

You will find that you are so caught up in this change.  You'll revel in drinking a hot cup of coffee while they look at books beside you.  You'll enjoy pushing them on the swings and playing chase.  You will love the feeling of their hand in yours while you walk down the street.  Little freedoms, that at the time cost you nothing.  You simply enjoyed the growing beauty that you were carefully tending.

Then all at once, they have grown and now it is time to send them away.

They must go to school.  They must learn all of the things that are so very important.  They'll learn about our country, how to read, how to write, how to add, and subtract.  All of the things that you were slowly teaching, now they must sit at a desk and learn with all of the other children.  They are now big.

It feels like the worst sort of wrenching.  As if this life I birthed is being stolen away.  I do not like it, no, I do not like it one bit.

When I look at his face, I see my baby, I see the boy wonder in his eyes, I see his tender heart.  I want to protect all of those things that I have been nurturing since he came to this world.

Rather I have relinquished him to another.  Someone else is teaching him and tending him and demanding that he figure it out for himself.

Other children are either being kind or they are not.  There is nothing I can do.  I cannot run interference.  I have to let him learn about who he is, when mommy is not around.

I get to watch as he grows, but not all of the moments are spent with me.  He will enjoy accomplishing tasks, and I will hear of them from his daily recants or reports from his teacher.  Little things that I have so jealously guarded are now being recited to me.

I do have more freedom.  It's just my three year old and myself.  Yes, it is easier.  Yes, I can get more done.  But, there's this empty spot in our day.  I go back to find out what's taking Judah so long, only to remember he's at school.  When we cross the street I reach for his hand, but it isn't there.  He is sitting in  a classroom looking aptly at his teacher, memorizing colors and letters.  He's playing with new friends and running.  He's smelling new paper and freshly sharpened pencils and he is associating them with the newness of school, the crisp air of fall.

He is finding his way.  My sweet precious boy is growing up.

I jealously want to guard him from this.  I want to take him to Neverland.  I want him to brandish his sword and believe that he can fly.  I want him to laugh without thought.  I want him to be exactly who he is right now.

I want to freeze these moments.  They simply fly by, too fast.

My first born, my son, is in kindergarten.

I know that he needs this.  I know that this is right.  It simply aches to watch them grow.

I no longer care for the freedoms.  I would simply hold tight a little longer.

a lesson in identity.

Words are powerful.

I read a comment not too long ago where a parent said, 'who are we to tell our child whether they are gay or straight, boy or girl'.

And I thought I'd share my opinion with you.

Throwing out the homosexual issue, because I don't feel like going there, I thought I'd broach the boy/girl part of the comment. It may seem, in the ever increasing areas of gray in our world, that we should just love our children and let them form their own opinions and beliefs outside of our influence. This makes me think of the story about the king who wanted to know what the pure language of man was, so he took a group of children, allowed their base needs to be met, so that he could experience their form of purity. He was to be disappointed. They all died.

Perhaps this is an extreme case, but may I say the comment was an extreme comment. There is a thin line we walk as parents, between control and indifference. Our children will learn from us, whether we want them to or not. They will discern our bad from our good, judge us right or wrong, choose the path they want to take, based on what they have experienced from us.

Allowing your child to decide their identity in a world where everyone is trying to influence them, is similar to throwing a baby into shark infested waters and telling them to swim.

The end will be destruction.

There is a season in a child's life when they are desperately looking for answers. They aren't looking to peers or teachers, neighbors or heroes. Just you. And if you choose to be, you'll be the best influencer they will ever know. Teach them now, when they're a sponge, when everything you say soaks in and they can't wait to learn more.

The bible says to train your child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.

If we fail to teach our children, they will search until they find answers on their own. More than likely you'll be disappointed in the result.

I want to train my children to understand who they are. To know, not only that they are loved, but they are mighty in the kingdom of God. This may seem a difficult lesson, because I find I'm training negative behaviors pretty constantly. The goal is to never allow your child to believe THEY are bad when they hit, steal, scream or any number of negative actions I find in ALL young people. But to speak truth over them. I often tell Judah that he is kind, so why would he hit, it's not WHO he is.

Another fabulous phrase from the bible, is that the power of life and death are in the tongue.

Let's just think about that for a minute. LIFE and DEATH. The SPOKEN word. Now, how are we talking to our kids. What are we SPEAKING over them.

This may seem like the most basic of lessons, but according to the comment I read, one that parents are missing.

It is our job, our role as parents to train our children in their identity. At their core, will be whether they are good or bad, a boy or a girl. Who better, than me, to teach my daughter that not only is she a girl, but that she is fearfully and wonderfully made. Confusion can only set in when clarity is not established.

Therefore, start teaching your kids now, who they are. Speak it over them constantly. They are good, they are loved, they are a boy/girl. Declare their destiny. If you can't see the amazing person they are, in their moments of weakness and self doubt, they won't be able to see it either.

As we love and teach our children outside of judgement and anger, they will grow to be the purity, not only we long to see, but that which the world is so desperately seeking as well.