Choosing to Not Give Up.

Does it ever amaze you at how easy it is to feel less than?  How quickly worthlessness can wrap itself around your neck, until you are gasping for air, and your vision begins to fade to black?

My emotions and well being are so closely tied to food.  I have to carefully protect myself from the foods my body craves.  This weekend I enjoyed a little too freely and it has taken me until today to get back on track.  This can feel so discouraging.  I found myself wanting to massively limit all food.  To cleanse, to reset.  It seems the easy response.  However, having struggled with eating disorders in the past and wanting to protect myself, from any in the future.  I need to remember the importance of being okay with myself.  I thought I would share a few techniques for getting back to a healthy lifestyle if you find yourself wandering off course.

-Drink water.

-Eat fresh.

-Start your day with breakfast.  Some do better with eggs, I like to stick with fresh fruit.

-Don't skip any meals.  If you feel as if you have eaten too much, maybe cut back on snacks, but eat your three main meals.

-Watch your self talk.  You are not a failure simply because you indulged in garlic fries at the concert.  Okay and a milkshake with fries after.  (hmmmmm.)   Next time simply plan better.

-Don't jump on a diet simply because you made some bad choices.  May I just say I was researching diets last night and thinking about it still this morning.  As nice as it would be to do a quick cleanse, the results are never healthy or sustainable.

-Do NOT fast.  It's the quickest way to binge.  You can and need to eat at least three meals a day.  It's healthy.  It's good.  It's loving.  Take care of yourself you are worth it.

A healthy lifestyle takes practice and determination.  Each time you feel like you lost it, remember you are that much closer to achieving your goals.

Sticking with a healthy lifestyle isn't the easiest thing.  It is definitely one of the hardest things for me.  But, giving up isn't an option.  I may not be as good at it as most, but I have a history to overcome.  Each meal, each choice, takes me closer to my goals.

I'm not giving up and I hope you don't either.


Easy Tossed Salad -recipe

2 cups fresh spinach
1 cup chopped carrots
3/4 cup chopped sugar snap peas
2 vine ripened tomatoes chopped
a handful of kalmata olives
handful of green olives
two tablespoons of fresh chopped basil

Dressing
1/2 cup olive oil
3/4 balsamic vinegar
salt and pepper to taste
blend in blender

Drizzle about 1/4 cup of dressing over salad and toss.  Enjoy.

Living with Food.

We all have a relationship with food.

Regardless of whether you could label yourself with an eating disorder, if food makes you anxious, if you feel guilt when you eat, if food brings you pleasure, if you diet, if it's a way to show you care, you have a relationship with food.  We all eat and live with varying degrees of satisfaction, pleasure, guilt, or shame for what we've put in our bodies.

In overcoming eating issues, I have had to learn to accept food.  You cannot abstain from food as you would alcohol or cigarettes.  Food is not something to be worked off.  It is fuel for your mind, for your muscles, for your soul.  My body, especially my mind, is incredibly sensitive to what I eat.  If I consume gluten or processed foods, it sends instant messages telling me I need more.  It doesn't matter how long I have abstained from those foods, eating just one bite sends my mind into hyper drive and I will make myself sick before I stop eating the oreos.  Because I know this, I am responsible to do my best to eat the foods that fuel my body, without making me desperate for more.  

I choose to eat mostly raw, fresh foods.  I am not a big meat eater, because I don't have any desire for it.  I fuel myself with fruits, vegetables, and nuts.  I cannot diet.  Dieting has always been an excuse for me to binge.  When I come to a meal, I do my best to be grateful that I can enjoy healthy foods and I settle myself in a place to enjoy each bite.  Food is both nourishment and pleasure.  If you are eating with guilt and shame you aren't enjoying anything you put in your mouth.  I can't tell you how often I would sit in front of the computer reading health blogs, while shoveling a pint of ice cream in my face.  I didn't taste the treat, felt sick when I was done, and more than a little guilty.  Now when I choose ice cream, I like to make it myself, with young coconuts and agave nectar.  Then, I sit with my family and eat out of the bowl, interacting with them and enjoying my treat.

I have been starting the last few days with a big cup of coffee, my favorite thing, and fresh fruit until noon.  I try to drink a cup of hot water with lemon before my coffee, but that doesn't always happen.  I have been drinking lots of water throughout the day.  The other day I spent the whole day out with different friends.  I was not in control of my food choices, so I did the best I could.  Even eating mostly fruits and veggies, by the end of the day, the processed foods I had consumed had my mind imagining all of the other things I could eat.  "Well, I already had chips, a little ice cream won't hurt. . . "  

Knowing this to be something I have to work through I brushed my teeth, drank some water, and bugged my husband until he connected with me and helped keep my mind off the monster in my head.  

I don't like to say that I will never eat certain foods, or label my style of eating.  A few of the hardest things when learning to eat well are being okay if you mess up and not allowing that to mean you fell of the wagon, because you aren't in a wagon in the first place.  I'm not a raw foodist, vegan, paleo, etc, etc.  I'm just trying to be healthy.  There are times I need a treat.  There are times that I will indulge.  Eating and connecting are beautiful parts of life.  They should neither fill you with shame, regret, or fear.  They should be enjoyed and embraced.  

I hope to encourage everyone out there, whether they have ever had issues with food, have felt uncomfortable in their bodies, or not known when to stop; what true freedom with food looks like.  It's more yeses than noes, more pleasure than pain.  

We all have to live with food, let's enjoy it.

Making a Change.

I sat out, under the pomegranate tree the other day.   It was early morning and the air still held the chill and mystery of the night.  I held a hot cup of coffee, laced with cream.  My children sat in front of  me, bowls of oatmeal, just the way they liked it.  One with sucanot and milk, the other raisins and milk.  They took small bites.  I leaned my head back enjoying the moment.  The calm before the rush of the day took over.  Then it came, more suddenly than I expected.

"I don't want to eat anymore.  I just want to drink coffee, like you, mom."  Judah stared at his bowl as if it had suddenly landed from the moon.  His spoon dripping clumps of oatmeal back into the bowl.  Disgust lined his face.  

I didn't know what to say.  Obviously my example was wrong and I was setting it deep into the still permeable stone of youth.  

I hate breakfast.  Really, I do.  It rarely fills me up and I find that I'm still starving at twelve.  I just don't want to teach my kids that coffee is the way to start their day.  

I'm not vowing that I will eat breakfast every day.  I am going to try.  Today was the first and I managed to wait on my coffee and eat a whole bloody egg.  Thanking God for his bounty and praying my heart would shift.

You see I am not a good example in regards to food.  I don't mean to be, but I have my own issues handed down from my parents who received the same from theirs.  It's a complicated generation of eaters I come from.  But, I know one thing for certain.  I want to hand something better to my children. I want to teach them to enjoy, to eat to satisfaction, to appreciate what they are given.  I just wish it didn't have to start with me.  That somehow they could come to this on their own and I wouldn't have to undo thirty or so years of eating disfunction to teach them something better.

I am going to try.

I am quickly discovering that I am something of a closet eater.  I almost never sit while I eat.  I pick while I make my children plates, then I assist them through their meals, eating when they're finished.  I should admit that at this point I'm rarely picking on a salad, rather I'm munching a handful of corn chips, while I clean up the kitchen.  Or I'm too full from taste testing dinner to eat at the table with my family.  A glass of wine is probably not what I want my kids to think makes a healthy meal.  I eat, though.  A lot.  They just don't see me eat.  Okay and I do hide in my room with the door locked eating a bowl of ice cream while scouring the internet.  Hmmm.  Time for a shift?  I should say so.

In every way, except hiding with my bowl of ice cream.  If my children knew how many treats that I eat every day, they would refuse to consume a healthy morsel of food ever again.  Some things are better kept in hiding.  (yes, I know nothing is ever really secret)

Food is important.  Meal time is a special place to pause and enjoy while hearing all about the thoughts and dreams that run rampant through my children's minds.  It is a ritual that I want to train them to value and appreciate.  Learning that they are important and how they fill their bodies is an essential key to long and healthy life.  I know too much about health and nutrition to not hand my children the same keys, the same road map to success.  With it, I'll have to sacrifice my own bad habits, in pursuit of teaching them to love and value themselves.