Let's talk about poop.

Really.  Just for a minute.  It will only be slightly painful.

My daughter is not potty trained.  Gasp. Sob. Sigh.
She is 27months.  Or a little over 2.   Totally not a big deal, right?!  She's still little and whatnot.  But, I'm a mom and I would really like to be a perfect mom.  She is making this difficult.  She is not falling in line.  She is my second.  I thought I had it all under control.  My son was potty trained just a month after 2, BOOYA!  in yo FACE!  Sorry, gangsta C came out to play for a moment, we locked her up, forgetaboutit.  My son gave me this fantastic illusion of perfection.  He let me think I had it all under control and that I was doing things soooo well.  My daughter on the other hand said f**** your control.  Seriously, I really think I heard her say that.  Don't worry, I washed her mouth out with soap.  Okay I didn't, I think you get charged for child abuse with that one.

The point, shocking I know, but I do have one, is that it's OKAY for your child to not be potty trained on your schedule.  Say this with me, They will go in the potty when they're ready!!  Unless they're five, then it's time for shock therapy, medication, or an intervention.  Or if Avi is still not potty trained at five I will come back and change this to 10.  If she's still wearing a diaper at ten, the doctor's missed something and she must not be my child.  Aren't I such a great mom, I would wait for her to be 10 before I gave her back!  I'm awesome.

Parents have plans.  We have boxes.  We hear stories of so and so's kid and think, my kid is so much better than yours, just wait to see how quickly they use the toilet, eat solid foods, write letters, count. It doesn't end, this mommy pressure.  It is less about our kid, and more about how great we are that they can recite Shakespeare at 2.  It's parent pride and I am full of it.  We also don't want to think that our child is in anyway behind the curve, that's never a good thing.  Awkward, embarrassing, because in our minds it somehow reflects poorly on us.  We're parents, we blame ourselves for everything!  Even when it totally isn't our fault, we like to own it, feel some good ol' guilt, then wash it down with a fat glass of wine.

Back to potty training.  I have done a lot right in this area.  I've introduced the potty to Avi as the big scary monster, that she should never come near.  Then I've wrapped it in seran wrap just to make it really impossible.  Why?  Because diapers are AWESOME!!  You don't have to run to the bathroom when you're in the middle of grocery shopping.  You don't have to get up at 3AM to take them to the toilet.  You don't have to have all of those horrible moments that happen, when everything is ready and OH NO mommy, I have to pee!  They don't wet the bed.  These are wonderful things, cherish them.  Diapers ROCK!

In order to be a great mom with bragging rights, you have to get them to put their poop in the right spot. It really can't go in the diaper forever, bummer, I know.  I have an AMAZING friend, all of her girls have been potty trained before 2.  Why?  Cause she's the best.  She's incredibly humble about it, which she can be, because hello! before 2.  It also may be because she's pretty chill.  I may have tried a little too hard.  I did introduce the potty to both of my children at 15 months.  I did give treats and make a big fuss every time they went (in hindsight, this may have been frightening).  I did do naked time, which resulted in lots of poop on the floor.  I did offer something big, if she could go 7 days without an accident.  I did sing silly songs and play itsy bitsy spider to infinity just to keep her on the potty, to get her to go number 2, which she would, on the floor, as soon as she got down.

I have therefore decided to throw in the towel.  I decided this the other day when I asked Avi if she would like to be all done with diapers in January and she sobbed NO! NO! NO!  Therefore, we are embracing the diaper.  We are mounting it in gold and hanging it like a pendant from our ceiling.  Long live the diaper! My fabulous girl is very opinionated and I am pretty sure she would already go on the potty if she didn't think I wanted her to.  So I don't.  I could care less.  When she's ready she will go get on the potty and go, all on her own.  I will be okay with this.  I will not feel like a failure.  I will remind myself that she is her own person and she will go when she's good and ready.  When she is 16 I will tell her about this, in front of her friends.  Often.  Okay, fine I won't.  Maybe.

Lot's of kids take forever before they're ready.  I used to think it was the parents.  Now I have children and I know it's the parents I mean kids!  Before you enter the fabulous world of parenthood, you make some judgements, usually that everyone you know sucks and when you have your own kids you will do everything perfectly.  Not anything like the people that you know, or did, before you stopped hanging out with them because they were such failures at life.  Even, let's be honest, some first time parents do this, because they may just have a perfect kid the first time around.  It's the second that really puts a kink in your plans and if you're second didn't, you need to keep having kids until you know what it's like.


To sum it all up, if you have a child that thinks the toilet is an evil green goblin that should be avoided at all costs, it's okay.  First paint the toilet white, that should help.  Then, let them tell you when they're ready.  It will happen.  If it doesn't by five see above.

Blessings, joy, and luck to all of you in the trenches.

ps. did I ever tell you about the time my son rubbed poop on the walls?

she had just peed, in her pants.  yay!