Thankfully Thankful

I have to admit that I don't consider myself a complainer.  I tend to assume that I'm pretty easy going and that I don't need things to cater to me.  There may be a loud outpouring of nays at these statements, but again, my perception.  Last night as I was lying in bed at 9pm, because everyone else in my house was asleep and I thought that I should be as well (I wasn't, I was WIDE awake). . .  I thought of my life.

I thought of how much better things would be if we were back in Redding.  I was picturing lake days and barbecues. Parks in the evening.  Going over to any number of friends houses (because I would be welcomed at any time).  Coffee with my mom, yard saleing with my sister.  Walks on the rivertrail.  Being in a town I have called home most of my life.  A town that thinks it knows me better than I know myself.  A place that has seen all of my failures and doesn't really expect anything extraordinary from me.  Pros and cons in that last part.  Mostly it is where I feel that my family can completely be, happy and welcomed.  Though desperately hot.

I thought of my house in Redding.  Sitting in the backyard, pushing my kids on the swing.  Playing chase through the sprinklers.  Cooking in my kitchen on my very old stove.  Washing dishes with the door open and the warm wind rustling through the ivy.  Sitting on the patio late at night with the white lights twinkling and the rich scent of gardenias and hydrangeas perfuming the air.  I was imagining how wonderful it would be to go outside and be warm.  Ahh, there's a dream.

I thought of Lynnfield.  Eric's amazing family and friends that live there.  Sitting with amazing people and just for a moment listening to the constant hum of conversation.  The football games.  Playing ring toss in the backyard.  Watching my kids be loved to perfection.  Drinking wine with women who will have you in stitches as they recount their exploits.  Listening to my husband with his brothers and wishing I could give that to him every day of our lives.  Smelling the trees and freshly mowed grass.  Actually swimming in the ocean.  Judah going fishing with his Poppi.  The rich scent of the rain perfuming through a warm summers day.

And I realized I am not thankful at all.

I have been sad.  I have been lonely, discouraged, just teetering on the very edge of depression.  My heart is divided between two towns and I am always wishing I were in one, never happy where I am.  I am sure if we chose between them, I would constantly yearn for the other.  Sometimes it really doesn't seem like there's one good choice.  Though in my mind either of them would be better than where I am.  I complain.  I grumble.  I wish and dream and hope that this season will swiftly come to an end.

                        I want to quickly interject that we have met AMAZING people in Eureka.  I am
                        so thankful for the friends we have made.  But it hasn't been home.  And my heart
                        is longing for its home.

Perhaps more.  I wish I knew exactly where Home is.

So, last night.  While I lay in bed listening to the breathing of my husband, felt his warm skin against me.  I decided I needed to stop wishing.  Stop dreaming.  Stop living in my head and look with wide eyes at where I am.  I started saying, Thank You.

Thank you God that we are in Eureka.  Thank you that Eric has an amazing job.  Thank you for our apartment.  Thank you that I am in bed with warm covers.  Thank you that I have food and clean clothes.  Thank you for your amazing blessings.  Thank you that my family is healthy and safe.  Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

There's a difference between living in the present and being thankful for the present.  My goal is to do both.  To embrace every good and amazing experience we have here, as well as the difficult and stretching.  To no longer succumb to wishful thinking.

I don't know what tomorrow holds.  This could be it.  But, I'd rather not wander through the dessert for 40 years, cursing the food that falls from the sky.  I guess, even if I do.  I'm going to be thankful.  I don't know where our home really is.  I'm just choosing to be thankful for where it is today.  More than anything it's a heart place.  And because I love him and committed to him until death do us part.  Where Eric lays his head is my home, too.