Unprepared for life.

The last few days have been rough! My oh my, I've been emotional, the kids have been off the charts, it's been like a sickness, but not physical. Just every little thing that could go wrong at any moment has, I've reacted poorly and Avi and Judah have gone between crying and screaming. There's a scene in Ya Ya Sisterhood where all of the kids are sick and everything is breaking down, Ashley Judd is the mom and there are bodily fluids everywhere and you can see, the desperation to get away. To remove yourself from the overwhelming, encompassing need that is suffocating you, because you are the ONLY solution. She leaves, goes to a hotel and checks in for a while. Obviously if you've seen the movie there was a lot more happening, but oh sometimes. . . that hotel sounds so good. This week I wanted to check into a hotel and breathe, and sleep alone, and eat my food at a leisurely pace, and drink my coffee while it's hot. And tend only to myself.

BUT! One of my favorite things of being a parent is that every moment is a chance for sacrifice. I am constantly given opportunities to deny myself, to choose the better and make the most out of any given day. Now, I'll be honest, I absolutely have not chosen that the last few days, we've made it through, but just barely. Yesterday we worshipped and danced through the house, because sometimes a big aspect is just clearing the air. Judah said we were doing our snow dance. It snowed late that night and as the lights glowed in the falling snow flakes and we opened our mouths to catch the drops, Judah said "Mommy, God heard our snow dance." Even in the midst of my doing all the wrong things, there's a relationship happening outside of me. Love that.

Today I intend to slow down, not that there's been a ton going on, but I've had an agenda, a list of things we can and can't do. Sometimes it needs to be okay for the house to be messy (one of the hardest things for me) or to let the kids watch a movie or to not shower or to go sit outside in the snow and have a cup of cocoa. Realizing in the midst of chaos that life is not something I ever want to escape from.

At the end of our movie last night they were playing Somewhere Over the Rainbow, Judah had fallen asleep cuddled against me and Avi had woken, she was standing on the coffee table holding her daddy's hands and dancing. Twirling and stomping, she was completely free to soar in the safety of her father's grasp. And so can I.

an ode.

Have you dreamt in all of the colors of life? Fully exploding on the scene and holding nothing back, the applause resounding in your ears as you cresendo? So often life is quiet, gentle, like a peaceful winding stream and the mountain top experiences seem few and far between. I've never been a person happy in the back ground. I like to be right in the middle of the party, the planning, the intense joy of life coursing through me. It's easy to see how parenting came like a jolt to my senses. Going full speed I fell fast and hard down the waterfall of motherhood into the gentle stream of growing life, nurturing imagination, falling into the background of the new blooms in front of me. I can't say this was an easy transition, it wasn't. I often envy those to whom it seems to come so naturally. While I'm standing in the boat rocking as hard as I can because wouldn't it be such fun if we all fell splashing into the water. I have learned to love watching my children as they step out onto their stage, while they pick their parts, make their friends, live their life. I love cheering and directing. Who knew I'd have such fun back here with the rest of the stage hands. Sipping coffee while the shrieks of applause ring over the dancing imaginations of the new generation. Rising, gliding to their place, I turn to smile at the audience of life.

I have danced with you and loved you. Gently, fiercely. I pour the abundance of my dreams like oil over your head. I bless your imagination, your creativity as I cradle you against my chest. Hand in hand we walk through life, laughing at the clouds, picking daisy's, kicking balls, daydreaming as we lie in the tall blades of grass. Fleeting it floats out of hand and just as I wish I could grasp it back I watch it land in yours. Tenderly you cup the gentle life as it pushes too and fro and you wonder how you'll ever find the strength to let it go. Then all at once you purse your lips and blow and watch the seeds catch the wind and soar out of view. And away we go.

Photo by Heather Armstrong

Valentine

Growing up on a working ranch, my grandmother used to tell me that it was important for any woman to be able to go from mucking stalls to pearls and high heels. Owning whatever role you find yourself in without hesitancy is an incredible gift. I'm still learning, though it was modeled beautifully in all of the women who've gone before me. I am thankful for the footsteps they left behind.

My purpose for this blog is to simply share moments from my life and day that will hopefully inspire and encourage. It can be a difficult season this thing called motherhood, when you have little ones draped over you like a fine fur, hands poking holes in your cake, little feet treading mud over your freshly vacuumed rug. . . I'm learning how the moments are the joys of my life, they are my purpose for being.

For years I've lived either in the future or the past. I'd daydream about tomorrow, fantasizing that it were already here, or I'd regret all the things in the past that I didn't appreciate at the time, wishing I were back in the good ol' days. Just recently this realization hit me like a baby grand from a six floor window. I'm so busy living before or after, but never in my day. This blog is to the here and now. It is absolutely incredible. I've been shifting my thinking more and more which has enabled me to enjoy the moments like this -

Valentines Day we were at a restaurant, well before the rush, and my daughter decided that she was done. Standing on my lap while I shoveled my food into my mouth (because I do, I shovel, or I don't eat) she spotted a cat outside the door and began to shriek "KIKI KIKI!!" and point. Judah, realizing there was a cat outside, needed to see it as well. Off we went, leaving Eric to leisurely finish his meal and headed out to pet the cats. As we opened the door it started to rain. I was cold and realized all I wanted was to be back eating dinner with just Eric, but! this was a moment and I decided to take it. We marched out to find those cats. Spurning the sweet one by the door for the cat that wanted nothing to do with us. We hunted under the picnic tables, through the ivy and high on the fence while the rain tap danced on the tin coverings over the patio.We frolicked slowly down the gravel path, jumped in mud puddles, kissed the kitty by the door and made it back just as Eric signed the bill. I was given the perfect Valentines gift.

My moment.